I did not know such a "holiday" existed, or that it would fall on a day that I'm actually in Ann Arbor for chemo.
I saw a story that referred to cancer as "The Emperor of All The Maladies."
I suppose that's an appropriate name, but I'm hesitant to heap any form of praise on cancer, which I feel a word like "Emperor" does.
I understand that from a scientific standpoint, it's a pretty incredible and obviously formidable disease, with fascinating resiliency in the face of billions of dollars of research and massive awareness.
I also understand that to defeat any adversary you have to respect it.
Which I do.
That being said---fuck cancer.
EMPEROR?!
Nah.
How about one of these instead:
-The anal polyp of All The Maladies.
-The Persistent Hemmoroid of All The Maladies.
-The Screaming Child on Public Transportation of All The Maladies.
-The You Got Caught Aggressively Singing Justin Bieber In Your Car of All The Maladies.
-The You Owe Money on Your Taxes of All The Maladies.
-The Meter Only Expired Two Minutes Ago But You Still Got a Ticket of All The Maladies.
-The Donald Trump of All The Maladies.
-The Ted Cruz of All The Maladies.
-The (insert republican candidate) of All The Maladies.
-The Jim Harbaugh of All The Maladies.
-The Athletes Foot of All The Maladies.
-The Theon Greyjoy of All The Maladies.
-The Cockroach of All The Maladies.
-The Go To Ann Arbor for Chemo and They Send You To The Basement Garden Unit Room For Your Treatment of All The Maladies.
-The Fox News on A 24 Hour Loop With Your Eyelids Peeled Open of All The Maladies.
Okay I'll stop, because that list could go on forever.
Point is, I believe that Cancer is big and scary enough without adding fuel to the fire. It doesn't need any help to become more intimidating by calling it the Emperor.
It's taken people I love. It thought about taking me--but it's no Emperor.
It's the cockroach of All The Maladies.
Persistent, unpleasant, hated universally, and difficult to eradicate.
Every once in a while though, a rolled up newspaper does the trick.
It can be overcome, and I've got to believe that a cure is coming.
It has to be.
It has to be.
Also hey look at me.
The left is current, the others are from different points in the last two years.
I've sported a lot of different looks over the past 24 months, but I prefer this one to the Uncle Fester.
Look at that awkward monster on the top right--good lord.
I HAVE A BEARD.
Maybe it's silly how happy that makes me, but for me it became synonymous with health. With normalcy.
So I'm gonna celebrate it.
And comb it. And oil it.
So DEAL WITH IT.
Thanks for the comb Emmaaaaaa.
The Emperor can suck my butt.
