You're so vain, you probably think this song (cancer) is about you

So due to the break from chemo, and then the extension of the break from chemo, I've been off of it for about 8 weeks. 

I'm feeling better physically. Energetic. Anxious to get up and move and do things. I've been trying to lose a lot of the weight I gained as a result of steroids during chemo, and the fact that most of the food I could eat without chucking it back up immediately wasn't exactly healthy. Rice, noodles, potatoes, etc. 

I was living in starch city--and by the end of treatment, it showed.

 I'm doing well though, and have dropped about 15lbs since I started trying to.

I have hair again. A pretty respectable beard growing in. I have color back--thanks to time on the golf course, but mostly due to not being a sickly-shut in. There are some pretty strong restrictions on time in the sun while on Chemo--so I'm taking advantage. 

For the first time though, I looked at pictures from treatment side by side with a picture taken today. And it kind of freaked me out. 

Terrible Selfie Alert:

By no means am I now the image of health. Believe me--it's not even close. 

Still, it's a pretty drastic change in a relatively short amount of time. And in typical Marcus-is-torn-and-dramatic style, I'm not sure if I like it. 

I'm not too proud to admit I am fond of looking in the mirror and no longer being scared of what I see.  

It's nice to look better. I can be a little vain--it's nice to feel attractive. I didn't have any huge issue with how I looked during chemo because I mostly didn't care. It was just an experience I was dealing with and just about everything else took a back seat. 

It's nice to feel better. This needs to explanation. I can be active. Can get out and move and be social and enjoy myself. Can work and try and keep up with bills. 

It's all good. The break has been good to me and I've been trying to be good to myself. 

I look healthy. Normal. 

That's the problem. 

It's shocking how easy it is to forget that there's quite a bit of nasty stuff going on inside you when you look healthy. It's a lot like the same shock to the system I received when I was first diagnosed. "I don't look sick--how can I possibly be sick?"

I don't want to let that happen again, but I'm finding it difficult. When I looked like this guy:

"Hey Ladies."

It was a reminder, even on days that I felt well, that I was in a fight. It helped me focus. I've felt that focus slipping a bit. 

I'm not interested in being negative. I feel guilty even writing this. I know feeling good and feeling better about how I'm looking are great things. I just can't help the feeling that I need to remind myself of what's really going on. Maybe that's pessimism. I like to think it's just being a realist. Maybe (probably) I'm an idiot and should just shut it. 

It's just been easy to forget, while on trips out of town or being social with friends or while working or exercising or while doing anything at all, that I have cancer. It hasn't gone anywhere. 

I still have cancer. 

Not a sentence I'll ever get used to writing. 

And when I start treatments again, it's likely that Uncle Fester Marcus will resurface. Part of me will be happy to see him again, one more time, before I tell him to fuck off forever.

So, I'll keep using and enjoying this break as much as I can. I'll keep trying to de-fat myself, get out of the golf course, enjoy the weather, and work as much as I can. 

Cancer sucks. 

Cancer with hair and a beard and a little bit of a tan that allows me to enjoy the occasional adult beverage, is slightly better. 

I'll take it.