Shit, Part Deux

Well. Shit. 

This is what Cancer is doing to me right now.

Such an asshole. 

I went in last Monday for a scheduled PET scan. The idea was to see if there had been any change in the mass they detected last time. There was, and it wasn't good. When I spoke to my doctor yesterday, the first words out of his were "It got worse." 

So, awesome. 

I'm pissed. 

Not because I didn't expect this news. I did--mostly. 

I didn't expect to hear that it had gotten "considerably" worse. I don't want to go into the exact details as to what that means here, partly because I don't know. I'm meeting with him this coming Monday, so I'll know more then...but it isn't good. 

What I did expect to hear was that we would proceed with my doc's original plan--2 months of chemo, and then a stem cell transplant and a months-long hospitalization. That happened--which makes me furious. 

We could have started this six weeks ago, and not let the cancer progress. The Lymphoma Board at UofM shut that down, and decided to wait six weeks. I understand caution, but man...it's like one kick in the nuts after another. 

Self pity isn't becoming and it isn't my thing, so I'll cut out the woe-is-me bullshit shortly. 

I know I'm in good hands at UofM. They still seem to be confident that I will come out of this. 

It's just that after a year of repeated bad news, setbacks, and disappointments, I find myself growing "numb" to it all. I'm used to hearing "it got worse." It doesn't surprise me and I don't even really react any more. More of a pretend steely "okay" and accept it. That sucks. 

I'm also grappling with the realization that as easy as it is to frame this whole ordeal as a "fight" between cancer and I, that isn't what it is at all. 

People who don't make it as a result of cancer didn't "lose" because they didn't "fight" as hard as the next patient. 

It's not good v. evil. 

It's not patient v. cancer. 

It boils down to this: Science v. Disease. 

I'm along for the bumpy ride. 

I'm no less determined, but I'm much more out of control of any of this than I thought I was. Naivete. 

I'm not here trying to be negative. I don't believe I'm going anywhere, because I'm not. I'm just trying to open my eyes to some realities I may have shied away from before. 

Cancer got worse. Treatment starts soon. I'm on Team Science. 

Go Science, Go. 

If cancer had a face I'd punch it right in the tooth.