So, life is great at the moment.
I'm feeling good. The beard is growing back. I'm working. I'm being social. I moved in with my girlfriend.
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| I LOOK LIKE ME AGAIN sorry for the selfie |
I traded in my car for a new car.
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| Woohoo. |
Normal. Things are normal.
And it's really, really weird. Great, but weird.
It's weird for a number of reasons.
It's weird because it doesn't feel like there was an "end" to having Cancer. That's probably because there's no such thing. I'm still doing chemo every three weeks and I still have a lifetime of appointments ahead of me. I'm still in the Cancer Center in Ann Arbor more than I'd like to be, so the feeling of being there is still familiar. It's a bit like having a lack of closure to my "relationship" with Cancer. It was there, then it wasn't, then it was, and now it isn't. Hopefully forever.
It's like we broke up, but I still go to it's house all the time. It's weird.
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| I'm handling the breakup better than Peter. |
It's much better than the alternative of course--I'm just finding it strange to adjust to life without it.
Normal is weird because the daily stresses that fade into the background while being treated for cancer--or I should say that I was lucky enough to have fade into the background--are prominent again. One day they didn't seem to matter, then they did again. Work, money, planning for the future, scheduling--just the daily things that seemed insignificant for the past two years immediately clicked back on and are occupying my thoughts. It's a character flaw that took a break for a while--I allow myself to worry about things I can't control and stress about things that are likely to work out and I get all worked up and it's just a waste of time. It's something I needed to work on back then, and still do now.
I suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise that I am finding some challenges in adjusting to life without Cancer. It certainly took some adjusting to life with it, so this makes sense.
I've written here at some length about my feeling that Cancer made me a better person. I really believe that. Part of the reason it's true is because of the perspective having it provides. Everything else about having cancer can piss off and die. That, however, I want to hang on to.
For the most part, I found everything is intensified when dealing with cancer. Emotions, experiences, successes and failures. Memories, good and bad, remain vivid.
Another thing that was intensified was my ability to determine what mattered, and what didn't. Small shit, I paid no mind to.
I've gotta hang on to that.
I had a mini epiphany the other day when looking at finances, stressing about money and a new car and bills and budgeting for the future and about work--getting myself worked up when things were largely out of my control and are likely to work out anyway. I realized that I needed to "keep cancer with me," if only because when I had it, I focused more effectively on things that matter most:
Like my family and friends, my girlfriend, and living in the moment.
I'm not unhappy to see Cancer go. Not in the least. I'm not complaining.
I'm adjusting to life without it.
Not all parts of the experience for me, though, were negative.
It made me better, so I'm going to hang on to as much of it as I can, and see if I can't continue to improve.
The disease is gone, and can stay gone forever.
The frame of mind needs to stay.
It's not a forced or cheesy motivational thought. I'm not preaching.
I'm not going to roll out of bed every day with a smile on my face, it's not my nature. There are going to be headaches and problems and hurdles and stresses, just a fact of life. I'm not immune to any of that and I never will be.
I just believe it will just be valuable, some day, to be able to know that I had Cancer once, and that during that time, nothing but enjoying every day and the people who loved me mattered.
On my worst day, I'll know I've had it rougher once, and came out the other side better for it.
I mean--
How lucky can one guy get?
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