Chemo Day, round 2, day 1, cycle 1. Lucky number 13. 867, 5309.

And we're back at it. 

Where there was a ton of anxiety yesterday (I cleaned the house and organized things--not my favorite things to do--for like 4 hours), I'm pretty calm today. 

Just resigned to the fact that is what comes next. 

This is what I've been told to do, so

I'll do it, and let the science do it's thing.

Feeling a little sick, but it's all in my head. Or it's all in my stomach, because I stuffed my face with sushi last night. 

Probably a bad choice. 

So here we go. There's comfort in knowing it can't be as bad as it was at the end of the last round, or so I'm told, and so I hope. 

We'll see! 

No matter what, though, the first taste of chemo always looks like this:

Throwback notion. Also, America.

"Happiness consists in realizing it is all a great strange dream."

-Jack Kerouac

A while back, I wrote about a feeling I had: that I needed to "embrace" this situation and take it as it came, to learn from it. That even in the tougher moments, when it may be hardest to realize it, I'm fortunate and I'm experiencing something relatively few get to (have to). It was probably a pie in the sky notion. The kind of optimism that screams of a defense mechanism. 

Still, I think it's worthwhile. 

I've gotten away from that lately, I think. Lost it in the fog of frustration and anger and uncertainty. 

One way or another, this is happening. I have no control over basically everything that will occur and no control over the outcomes. What will happen will happen. 

I can control the choice to embrace the moments. Experience things. Resist the urge to turn on the auto-pilot, the apathy cruise control, and take it all in. 

It's probably a pie in the sky notion, but I think I'll give it a try again. I'm still angry, but anger only can carry you so far. 

I have a better family than I deserve. A beautiful, kind, patient girlfriend. Great friends. A great job. 

Time is limited for us all, cancer or not. Certainly not preaching--not at all. Just trying to remind myself not to waste any of this finite commodity. 

Happy 4th Y'all. 

America. 

"Good Cancer."

And so it continues. 

The growth in my chest more than quadrupled in size over a six week period. Needless to say, that's pretty drastic. Still, it's treatable. Still curable, in my doctors words. 

So we'll work with that. 

Next Wednesday, Chemo begins. I'll go Wednesday and Thursday, for two different drugs, and repeat the process every three weeks. This will continue until the cancer goes into remission--until it can be seen that it has stopped growing. 

Ya know what? Nope. You don't need a breakdown of exactly what's coming any more than I need to give it to you. It's coming. We're starting again. I'm sure I'll write about what I'm experiencing as it's happening, but to lay out what's coming...just, no. It's happening, and I'm along for the ride. 

All this shit that I wish wasn't going to begin again--everything that was supposed to be wrapped up by now because I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with "good cancer," will start again next week. If that sounds bitter, well, it is. 

"Good Cancer." 

What else is there to say? 

I can pretend I'm ready. I think I am, but who the hell knows. I feel myself about to puke when I just think about sitting in the infusion chair. Not a good sign. 

I'm not happy about it, but I don't need to be my own cheerleader. I won't pretend to be some seasoned veteran, it's only been a year. Still, I have a good idea of what lies ahead in the coming months. 

Chances are good it will suck at times, if not the entire time. 

I won't complain about it either. At least not any further. It's happening. It's not a dream--the slim chance I spoke about didn't come to fruition. 

I have it great. I'm here. Others are not--I think of them every single day. 

"Good Cancer."

We're starting again. 

And when it's done--whether it's this attempt to kill it off, or the next, or the one after that:

I'll be cancer free. 

And it will all be more than worth it. A small price to pay. 

And you won't have to read my rambling, wandering, nearly-incoherent, angry blog posts.

Shit, Part Deux

Well. Shit. 

This is what Cancer is doing to me right now.

Such an asshole. 

I went in last Monday for a scheduled PET scan. The idea was to see if there had been any change in the mass they detected last time. There was, and it wasn't good. When I spoke to my doctor yesterday, the first words out of his were "It got worse." 

So, awesome. 

I'm pissed. 

Not because I didn't expect this news. I did--mostly. 

I didn't expect to hear that it had gotten "considerably" worse. I don't want to go into the exact details as to what that means here, partly because I don't know. I'm meeting with him this coming Monday, so I'll know more then...but it isn't good. 

What I did expect to hear was that we would proceed with my doc's original plan--2 months of chemo, and then a stem cell transplant and a months-long hospitalization. That happened--which makes me furious. 

We could have started this six weeks ago, and not let the cancer progress. The Lymphoma Board at UofM shut that down, and decided to wait six weeks. I understand caution, but man...it's like one kick in the nuts after another. 

Self pity isn't becoming and it isn't my thing, so I'll cut out the woe-is-me bullshit shortly. 

I know I'm in good hands at UofM. They still seem to be confident that I will come out of this. 

It's just that after a year of repeated bad news, setbacks, and disappointments, I find myself growing "numb" to it all. I'm used to hearing "it got worse." It doesn't surprise me and I don't even really react any more. More of a pretend steely "okay" and accept it. That sucks. 

I'm also grappling with the realization that as easy as it is to frame this whole ordeal as a "fight" between cancer and I, that isn't what it is at all. 

People who don't make it as a result of cancer didn't "lose" because they didn't "fight" as hard as the next patient. 

It's not good v. evil. 

It's not patient v. cancer. 

It boils down to this: Science v. Disease. 

I'm along for the bumpy ride. 

I'm no less determined, but I'm much more out of control of any of this than I thought I was. Naivete. 

I'm not here trying to be negative. I don't believe I'm going anywhere, because I'm not. I'm just trying to open my eyes to some realities I may have shied away from before. 

Cancer got worse. Treatment starts soon. I'm on Team Science. 

Go Science, Go. 

If cancer had a face I'd punch it right in the tooth. 

Happy Fathers Day

Yep.

So tomorrow is Fathers Day--which is a "bullshit Hallmark holiday" that "I don't care about," if you ask my Dad. Generally, I agree with him. It's bologna. 

But we think it's crap for different reasons.

He just doesn't like attention (which is why he'll love this post).

 I just don't need to be reminded that I have a hell of a man for a Father. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Not that I had any doubts, but the way he's supported me and been there for me in this last year (and the other 28) has been nothing short of amazing. He's been there for everything. Every appointment. Every need. Every tough day. 

Again, it wasn't a surprise. I watched him care for his sick/dying wife for years, catering to her every possible need and desire without complaint. I learned what it meant to actually love somebody--unconditionally, watching those two over those years. The thing is, he's a saint. 

A saint who sucks at golf. 

A saint who can grow a phenomenal moustache....but for some reason denies his upper lip it's deserved sweater. 

I look up to him. I want to be more like him (minus the golf). He's just the man. 

He'd say that any good that is in any of us 4 kids came from Mom, and he's probably right. But she chose him, and that's enough for me to know he's great. 

Love you Dad. 

P.S. Shout out to my brother who also is a father who sucks at golf, for promoting me to the position of Uncle--the best job in the world--two times. Thanks man. 

The Charleston Shootings

It's taking a lot of restraint for me to not go on a lengthy societal/political rant on gun control, race, the media, and our elected officials. As much as I want to, I won't. Maybe some other time. 

For now, just this.

"I have decided to stick with love.

Hate is too great a burden to bear."-MLK Jr. 

Just felt like I had to share this

So I haven't been seeing this guy as much as I would like to lately. 

It's a long story, but I miss him. While watching the attached video, I couldn't think of anything but him. The weird way he seemed to know when I was feeling at my worst, the way I slept best with him next to me. 

There's a quote in the video, but I'll put it here too, because I believe it. 

"We can learn a lot from Dogs--when someone you love walks through the door, even if it happens five times a day, you should go totally insane with joy." 

That's something to think about. 

Warning: Video is a bit of a tearjerker. I didn't cry or anything there was just a lot of dust flying around when I was watching it, think some got in my eye. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/09/ben-moon-denali-video_n_7547816.html