Inspiration?

It's hard to find the appropriate response to someone telling you they find you/something you've written/are doing inspiring. I've never heard it in my life up until now, and nothing about me feels different, other than that I have cancer. 

Me? The guy who sat in the same spot for 13 hours yesterday? What could you possibly find inspiring about ME?

For someone like myself, who struggles taking even the most modest of compliments, it's especially difficult. 'Thank you," is usually what I go with. For whatever reason though, the first response that comes to my mind is "I'm not an inspiration."

I know this is a bullshit response for a number of reasons. One, it's rude. Two, I'm the one making all of this public, so who am I to tell someone how to interpret anything I've written. Three, it's such a cop out. 

Here I am documenting this experience, and I try and tell myself that it's just for me--just a record of events to have when this is all over. It honestly started that way, but claiming that now is bull. I know a number of people are reading this. 

Many of you have taken the time to send e-mails and messages to let me know you were moved, that you are thinking of me, that you find me inspiring. I can't thank you enough. They mean a lot to me. More than a lot. 

"I'm not an inspiration" REEKS of bullshit false modesty and humility. I hate it. 

Still, I have to say it. I sure as hell don't feel like an inspiration--and I sure as hell don't write anything here with the hope of being one or becoming one. I'm just another regular guy who has cancer. And has a blog. 

It's so lame. I know. A person makes a personal struggle public, then is uncomfortable with people connect with it/are moved by it. It's pathetic. 

That isn't the case, though. I'm not uncomfortable at all with people connecting to it, or laughing at it, or being moved by it, or caring about it. That is the best possible outcome of this whole thing. 

I'm just uncomfortable with the idea that I might think what I'm doing "makes me special"--or that I think the things I share here carry some monumental importance. I'm not, and they don't.

 Most of these posts are worthless nonsense that crosses my mind. 

I'm one of an endless amount of people fighting cancer. My fight is likely easier than theirs.

And it's still kicking my ass. 

The thought of remission is inspiring. When I get there, maybe I'll learn how to take a compliment. 

Until then, I'm sorry.

And Go Green.