Chemo Day #4, Cycle #2

Warning: I'm grumpy today.

Let's make it 4 for 4. Four treatments, four different locations. 

Thankfully, they saved the best for last. 

By best I mean clearly, no questions asked, hilariously the worst. The best part, though, is that they tricked me into thinking it was going to be great. 

"The Garden Unit."

In my head: "Oh that sounds lovely. Flowers, nice smells, natural light!"

Nope.

Garden unit as in garden level, as in the basement, as in the Chemo dungeon. It's cramped, smells weird, is cold, and is extremely secluded. I'm the only patient in here and I've been here for a couple hours.

It sucks, but at the end of the day I'll receive the same shitty drugs I would anywhere else, so I'll stop complaining about it.

The strangest part is being the only sick person in the room. There are 6 nurses/techs working in here--and then me. Pro: I'm the center of attention and am being extremely well cared for. Con: The strange/borderline sick comfort of being in a room with other sick folks isn't there.

It isn't so much that I don't like "being alone in sickness," it's more that I can't see the people I usually see--the old or visibly very ill--the people who remind me how good I have it, how lucky I am.

In this place I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself and bitch and moan (see the beginning of this post). In this place, the bustle of a busy medical facility--the noises, the movement--is all gone. No more distractions. Just me and my thoughts, sweaty palms, an acidic lump in my throat and a churning stomach.

The drugs I receive are very effective at two things: Killing cancer, and making me feel like shit.

This environment almost exacerbates the latter.

In the quiet/stillness of this room, I'm noticing reactions my body is having I haven't before. Noises. Pains. I won't list an inventory, but they aren't good.

The difference between the "garden" and the other locations just dawned on me. Where the other locales consciously provide distractions (comforts like TVs, iPads, Vibrating Chairs), the garden doesn't hide what it is.

Others:

"You're sick but who cares! Watch TV, get a massage, take in the sights and sounds...times up! Good job, you can go home now!"

Garden:

"You're sick. Sit down. Take this. Suck it up."

All of them are places sick people come to be treated.

The Garden is just more honest about it.

I think, in this case, I like being lied to better.

The next couple days should be great.

______________________________________________________


Feel like shit.

The kool-aid is taking it's toll.

Trying some new drugs out the next couple days, hopefully with good results.

Still not routine. 

So I'm still winning. 

Go State. Beat Duke. 

So easy to hate.