Chemo, Day #2, Cycle #1

Tuesday, October 21
4:15pm
University of Michigan Cancer Center
Ann Arbor, Michigan

I don't want something like this to ever feel "routine." It doesn't, but I can see how it could become so. It's only my second time here, but I know exactly what to expect with my treatment. There were no surprises. 

Show up. Bloodwork. Wait. Name called. Vital signs. Wait. Name Called. Go to infusion chair. Wait. Port access. Nausea drugs. Wait. Chemo drugs arrive. 

I have to recite my full name and date of birth each time a new chemo drug is administered. Small annoyance to make sure I'm not getting pumped full of another patients drugs. 

Wait. Chemo starts. Giant syringes full of kool-aid. 

Also the color of my urine for the next few days

Pump them in. Wait. IV drips of Chemo. Try and stay busy. Write a blog post. Ignore that you immediately feel different/like shit. 

I want this to feel unique every time I'm here, because it is. This isn't normal. It's a toxic infusion of cancer killing drugs into my system. 

I can't shake the feeling that once all this crazy shit feels routine, feels "normal," the battle is already lost. 

My room today is private. Still took another walk around. The same gentleman with part of his jaw missing was here again--seems we're on the same schedule. Aside from the jaw, he doesn't look so good. 

Damnit, no one in here does. Everyone looks to be one gentle breeze from falling over. Is that what I'll look like in 6 months? Can't be...right?

Some look a day away from hospice care (death). I haven't forgotten what that looks like, and that's something you never get used to. 

I mentioned all this to a friend and her response was "Well yeah, it's a cancer room, whaddaya expect?" 

Valid point, I guess. I'm unsure what I expect every time I walk in here or why I'm not ready/am surprised by what I see. 

I know what this place is. I know why I'm here. Again, I know this isn't an error--that I do belong here. 

I just can't let myself get used to seeing people battling/dying from cancer around me and not let it affect me. 

The treatment itself may become routine. My experience every time can't be.  

Routine's gotta be the enemy. 

Now let's start the puke party.