I'm scared

This is only treatment one cycle one, I'm feeling like this, and the effects are cumulative? 

I like to consider myself a tough person, but then again, what does that even mean? I know the lack of fear has nothing to do with toughness, but have I ever overcome major adversity before? Really had to sacrifice anything to get where I needed to be? I grew up with every opportunity available to me and never wanted for anything. We weren't rich, but we had all we needed. Doesn't hardship breed toughness?

Toughness has to be more than being able to cope "well" with the loss of loved ones I've endured. 

Sure as hell has to mean more than playing/training through injuries on a football field. 

Mom was tough. Maybe I'll learn what that really is through this experience. I don't know.

For now I'm just pretty fucking scared. Not of death, at least not yet. 

Just of the fact that something as simple as a few syringes and IV drips could make me feel like I am now, and that I get to experience it (at least) 7 more times. 

Then again, if feeling like death is the price to pay for avoiding it, I'll happily pay up. (Something a tough guy would say). 

Shit.

Also scared of how easy it is to forget, while typing on here, that this is no longer just for me to look back on when this ordeal is over. I've made it public, and that's ok, I just never could have imagined myself being even remotely this open before all this began. Maybe that's a silver lining, but for now, it's terrifying.